Only about 10 minutes after I posted last night's rant, I got a series of text messages from Charlie asking if I was mad at him and if we could talk. I told him we'd talk in the morning, but he called and left a very apologetic voicemail anyway.
I slept for only about 3 hours as I had a lot on my mind. He called again around 10:30 in the morning, but I hadn't had breakfast, so I wasn't up for talking just yet. I called him back an hour later and we had a long talk about what happened. Basically, once his trick left, he felt really bad about abandoning me and assured me that he's never done that with anyone before. I clued him in to my neuroses and social anxiety and told him I was more hurt than mad. The time I spent thinking about what he did calmed me down, and I know that his leaving had nothing to do with me and choosing a blow job over a friend. Things kind of snowballed and he was thinking with his dick instead of with a rational mind. I got it and I couldn't really hold it against him, especially after he was so apologetic. It's really just the reality of going places with guys hotter than yourself*; they get more attention and sometimes force you into the shadows. Idon't like it, but I understand it.
I opened up to him about everything I wrote in last night's post about how I felt and how I distort things in my own mind. I told him I needed to find a therapist to work through my shit--btw, does anyone have any recommendations for a good gay or gay-friendly psychiatrist/psychologist in New York City?--and I don't think I scared him away. We decided that he would never make me do something I wasn't comfortable doing and that he's usually very conscientious about sticking with the friends he's with. I still worry I might be a downer, but he also told me he would never think that of me.
We both find each other oddly comforting and trustworthy and can seem to talk about things with each other that we wouldn't with other friends, which is ironic since we've known each other for like 3 weeks. The open lines of communication and honesty in our chat this morning was really good, I think, and it's another thing I don't really have with most of my friends. Maybe this will be that one friendship that I've been sorely lacking in this city.
*I don't think I'm terribly unattractive--actually, I muse most rush hours that I'm more often than not in the top five cute guys in any given subway car I ride in--but when I get around a bunch of gay guys in a bar or club or other gathering, my self-esteem is shattered. I can't talk to people for fear of rejection because I'm no longer good looking. I become quiet and taciturn so that I don't draw attention to myself and my mediocre face and physique. Perhaps it's a form of body dysmorphia; that's something I need the psychiatrist to diagnose.
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you don't have any weird ass mental disease. you are just growing up and experiencing the various aspects of the gay community. look at how young girls have to face themselves in mirrors -- and then the "what they should look like" in fashion magazines. in a similar vein, you face your GORGEOUS self on the subway, and are then greeted by what gay-boys are "supposedly" supposed to look like at the gym and at bars and clubs. Just think about that for a second.
Do you have any passions? Like fotography or swimming or running or drawing or pottery or music? A great way to meet new "fun and engaging" people is to connect and network with people w/ similar interests that u can nurture. Look for social groups or on NY campuses for groups you could check out. I swear -- your social and personal cards will be super happy. In essence, focus on the GOOD and the POSITIVE and NOT what you THINK is wrong with you. You live in the Big Apple. A lot of people are lonely here. You just need to step out and explore. Keep us posted.
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